One day ago, my body and soul were terrified, trembly and nervous. I was hollowed by heaping a plate too full. I was my own worst critic. Expecting an unreasonable performance in all of my roles; teacher, student, RA, friend(?) I churned with the tense paradox of insecurity woken from a bed of pride. The kind that demands "I can do it all" "I must hold it all together" forgetful that I can't.
I'm in my last month of college and it is a heavy place. And an awkward place. Competing with friends for job positions wriggles ugly fingers into relationships. Over these past few weeks, I believed I needed to be the calm in the senior storm of the unknown. Wasn't I past my anxious days of perfection? I didn't realize that in those very moments I was returning to the old double headed monsters of pride and insecurity. That, that in itself was undoing.
And I undid.
As I anticipated participating in a teaching round interview for a local school district last night, my "all-together" persona shattered into the insecurity of my lack.
But I was held. Held up by a friend who was willing to put aside her own to agenda to listen to me practice and practice and offer support and advice for a position she too applied for a was let down by (a true Frederick friend!). I was held by a friend who told me to stop apologizing for the tears and overwhelmed feelings that overflowed from my body. I was held physically and emotionally by my love who went above and beyond, knowing me at my core and loving me still. I was held by my family and my mother who talked me out of my panicked sleepy dreams. I was held by text messages and cheers and questions from friends today before and after my interview.
It was in my undoing that I remembered it's okay to be held. I shed my pride and reversed insecurity in fellowship.
Today as I go to sleep, I go to bed different. A period of 24 hours. My lesson was successful and I received astounding and wonderful news. And tonight in these happy moments I was also held. I was cheered and I was celebrated. I am reminded of the beauty in the vulnerability of my whole self and in fellowship I am loved.
